Julia's Dilemma
by I'dBeDelighted
Summary: Following Julia's exit in The Fatal Dose.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come. I just needed to be with someone that understands." Julia dashed out of the room before Dr. Dixon could object. How stupid of her to come to the one man that would make William even angrier than he was already. He obviously thought there was something going on between them. If he found out she'd come to see Dr. Dixon…he may never speak to her again. William and his infernal god. So black and white, no room for compromise…or even compassion it would seem. But he had compromised hadn't he? When she told him of her abortion then when she wanted the divorce…. So why can't he compromise now? This was a situation where a girl's life was draining from her in such a painful way. Why would god want someone to suffer so much pain when there was no hope of recovery. Her death was merciful and quick. Not the slow languishing pain so unbearable that even in her state of unawareness she felt it, and all for nothing as there was just death at the end. _Surely it was better this way?_

She found herself wandering the streets wondering where would she go? She couldn't go home. Could she? Would William still be there if she returned? Did she want him to be there? If he was would he let her in? Was their marriage at an end? Was this it? All those years it took them to finally come together. Perhaps that was a sign they weren't really meant for each other. But they'd been so happy since the wedding. At least until the miscarriage. Was that another sign? _Oh William, I just wish for once you could see things my way_.

As her thoughts faded and she took notice of her surroundings she realized she was standing outside their home. She stood looking at the structure, so different, so odd compared to the other dwellings that surrounded it. She felt like that house, like she didn't fit in. She was a woman ahead of her time. When would time catch up with her? She sighed, she was here now, she may as well go in.

-oOo-

The house was in darkness. She wondered if William was home as she headed towards the bedroom.

"You came home."

She hesitated then replied, "Yes William."

She cautiously made her way to the chair and perched on the edge. "You've been sitting here in the dark all this time?"

He didn't answer.

"May I turn on the lamp?" she ventured.

"If you wish." He said flatly.

As the room lit up William stood and walked towards the bedroom. She had thought perhaps he'd sat waiting for her but now realized things were going to be much harder than she imagined.

-oOo-

She awoke with a stiff neck. After William's rebuff last night she decided she would wait until he was asleep before going to bed. She must have fallen asleep in the chair, perhaps that was for the best. She got up, stretched her limbs and neck and headed towards the bedroom. Would he still be there? What time was it anyway? He could have left for work already. The bedroom was empty but she heard the water running in the bathroom. She stood waiting for him to come out. The bathroom door finally opened and she steeled herself for his reaction. His face was expressionless. She looked at him with sadness in her eyes, hoping he'd speak first. He just stared at her with that still blank expression. He wasn't going to make this easy.

"William," she pleaded, "at least talk to me."

He stared at her and finally asked, "What is there to say?"

"What do you mean?" she asked genuinely surprised at his question.

He ignored her and continued getting ready. She put a hand on his back and he froze, then turned around so fast it shocked her. "You went running out of here last night. Where did you go? To HIM?

"Him?" she feigned ignorance.

"DR. DIXON! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO I MEAN!" His voice was loud but controlled.

"Why would you assume I went to him?" She realized too late that wasn't the right answer.

"Do you think me blind Julia? I've seen the way you look at each other. You discussed your decision with him, not me, and…"

"Of course I discussed my patient with him, he's a colleague," she snapped back not giving him time to finish. "and I knew exactly how _you_ would feel."

His face turned to stone, "But you did it anyway." He finished dressing and walked out.

She sank to the bed and held her face in her hands. Oh William….

-oOo-

Once again she found herself awaking without realizing she had slept and immediately recalled the confrontation with William. She decided she needed to see him on neutral ground but first she needed to freshen up.

Half an hour later she found herself walking into Station House Four. William was with the Inspector, she decided to wait for him in his office. Entering the room she sat across the desk from his chair and made sure she would be able to look him squarely in the eye.

A few minutes passed and William came in with the Inspector behind him.

"Julia," the Inspector nodded at her, "I assume everything is well?" he enquired.

"Yes, thank you." Julia lied.

"Well, I'll leave you two to it then." He turned and left closing the door behind him, looking back as he did so.

William sat in his chair leaned back and looked straight at her. "Why did you come?"

"I wanted to talk to you and it seems we can't do that at home." She sighed. "William, _we need to talk_, neither of us can keep running away."

"I haven't run anywhere, I was on my way out this morning." he said bluntly.

Julia sighed again, "Please William, can't we just try and talk?"

It was William's turn to sigh, "Go ahead then." he gestured to her to go first.

Julia sat a few moments collecting her thoughts, wondering where to start. She wasn't going to apologize but at the same time she felt she should say something conciliatory towards him to at least get him to listen. "There's nothing between Dr. Dixon and I…at least on my part. I will admit he has…expressed some interest. I didn't reciprocate. I love YOU William, you know that, I would never betray you. Last night, I just needed acceptance, at least for the night, and you couldn't even do that. I went to someone that understood what I was going through. It wasn't an easy decision William, I didn't make it lightly, no matter what you think. My job is to heal, I couldn't do that. In fact my efforts to help made things worse. She had an untreatable brain infection and was in intolerable pain. I did what I felt was best for my patient."

William was concentrating on her face the whole time she was speaking. He now finally leaned forward closing the gap between them. "I have no doubt it wasn't an easy decision but did you even consider the ramifications? For me if not for you. I'm a policeman Julia, in case you forgot. It's my job to put killers behind bars and here you are telling me you killed someone and expecting me to brush it off. I can't. I can't accept it either morally or lawfully. You've put me in an intolerable situation and now the Inspector has unintentionally made things worse by going to Miss Hart. She could take that information and ruin all of us."

"Why didn't you tell the Inspector of your suspicions in the first place, he has a right to know." Julia flung back at him.

"Because I don't have the proof. You know what the Inspector is like. I can't tell him until I have proof and now I'll probably never get it. She's been on her guard the whole time because she knows the only way for me to get proof is for her to slip up. But now…now _SHE _has proof of _you_ committing murder to hold over our heads, so, even if I could prove it she can blackmail us into silence." William slumped back in his chair.

"I'm sorry William, I never meant for this to become such an obstacle between us. I thought I was doing the right thing. I still do. I just never expected so much fuss."

"That's the problem Julia you do these things on impulse and don't think of the consequences. Just once I wish you'd look at how your actions affect others."

Julia had no response, at least not one that wouldn't make him angrier, so she sat back and said nothing. William did the same. An uneasy silence descended between them.

A knock at the door broke their thoughts. The door tentatively opened and Henry's head appeared, "Sir, you need to come."

-oOo-

Julia remained in William's office. She was at an impasse, she just didn't know what to say or do to make William see things her way. She was still processing her thoughts when the Inspector appeared. "Julia, how about a wee drop?" His head gesturing she come to his office. She wasn't sure she was up to another talk with Tom, well-meaning as he was, but she didn't have an excuse not to.

He poured a couple of fingers each then pointed towards the chair with the glass before handing it to her. He then sat in the chair beside her.

"I know this has been tough on both of you. For obvious reasons Murdoch can't relate but he does still love you you know. That's why it's so hard for him to come to terms with."

"I can't say it feels that way right now. I'm no longer sure what to say to him to try and make him understand. I see it as compassion for my patient. He sees is as a crime against god, I'm not sure the law has even entered his head. I don't understand why his god would want someone to endure insufferable pain before an inevitable death. It doesn't seem very compassionate to me and if that's what god wants then I'm not sure I want to believe in him." She felt comfortable talking to the Inspector like this, she suspected he thought much like her.

"I agree Murdoch's beliefs don't always make sense to some of us. But, would he be the man you love without them? The Inspector smiled at her and put his hand on hers.

"I'm not sure I do any more. He wasn't there for me when I needed him most and he treated me like a criminal."

"He'll come around, give him time." Hmm, I think we've had this conversation before." Tom tried to lighten the mood.

Julia thought a moment, decided to broach the subject without giving everything away and anger William even more; she felt Tom needed to know there was another reason to be worried. "It's not just that Tom." She hesitated, but continued, "William suspects Miss Hart did something but he has no proof. Then she offered to change a report to cover another doctor's mistake. I told her to write the report with her actual findings. Now you've gone to her and asked her to change a report to cover for me."

This was a shock to the Inspector, "I see. What was it Murdoch thinks she did?"

He would ask that of course, "He didn't say, just that he thinks she did something that pointed evidence in another direction." she lied. How could she tell him it concerned John?

The Inspector thought a moment, "So what you're saying is Miss Hart falsified evidence and then offered to do the same for a doctor's mistake, and now I've asked her to do the same for you she can blackmail Murdoch to keep quiet."

Julia nodded.

"Damn! What was the case she falsified evidence in?"

He would ask that! She lied again, "I don't know, just that he suspects someone was falsely accused because of what she did."

Tom shook his head, "And all this time I thought she was doing a wonderful job. I should have realized; it was too good to be true that she suddenly got the coroner's job. It looks like she was doing someone a favour."

Julia was relieved he didn't appear to have caught on to the timing of her promotion. She decided to take her leave before he did and put her on the spot.

-oOo-

As Julia closed the door she saw his hat on the table. She let out a long sigh, she'd hoped to be home before him to do some thinking. He was sat in the chair just as he was the night before. She sat in the chair beside him.

"You've been talking to the Inspector."

"Yes William. He thought your anger towards me was solely because of what I did. I felt he needed to know more – but I didn't tell him about John."

"Thank you for that. I don't want him to know until I have proof. At least now maybe he'll stop thinking she can walk on water." William was sounding a little more conciliatory. "I've also been talking with him. Actually it was him talking to me."

"Oh. What did he say?" She was upset that Tom had told him about their conversation.

"He told me he'd been in a similar situation during the war and it was the hardest thing he'd ever done even though the lad asked and he knew it ended his suffering. He said he understood what you were going through and that I needed to put my feelings aside and support my wife – even if I couldn't accept what she'd done." He reached out his hand to her.

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Reviews always welcome and encouraged.


	2. Chapter 2

Apparently the story isn't at an end, this chapter sprang unbidden and demanded to be written. I should have known the previous end was too easy. 

* * *

"What are you doing?" Julia asked

"Packing my things."

"William?" she questioned.

He continued his packing and without looking up responded, "I'm moving out; you should be the one living here."

"We both should be living here William." Julia replied.

William smiled weakly at her, "Yes. But I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. Do you?"

Julia was shocked, "I thought we'd come to an understanding. Please William, can we just sit down and talk?"

"What is there to say?"

"Please…William…?" Julia pleaded.

He sat on the bed. Julia sat at her dresser.

They stared at each other for a minute, neither wanting to be the first to speak. Finally William spoke up. "I've given up so much of who I am to be with you Julia; I don't think I can give up any more."

Julia gave him a puzzled look, she'd never thought about giving anything up to be with someone; it was totally inconceivable to her. The only thing she'd ever given up in her life was William and that turned out to be the worst decision she'd ever made.

William shook his head, even now she doesn't understand. He sighed. "I once told my priest I found myself questioning the basic tenets of my faith and could no longer follow blindly. I've questioned much over the years but I still cannot condone murder. Call it what you want, in the eyes of God, and the law, euthanasia is murder, with or without consent."

Julia was stunned, she thought they'd at least come to a truce. When he reached out to her last night and said the Inspector had told him he should support his wife she thought it was over, he'd come to terms and was going to make peace with her. Now here he was moving out. At first she had no words then a thought pushed its way to the forefront. "I've killed before, twice, you didn't call it murder then."

It was William's turn to sigh, "Both times you were in a fight for your life. I even had to convince you of that with Eva Pearce."

Julia shook her head, "I don't see the difference, aside from the law. By your reasoning I don't see why God would condone killing another human being, regardless of the circumstances. Why is it fine to kill someone in self-defence but not to relieve unbearable pain when death is inevitable? The outcome is the same. In this case my patient had an untreatable brain infection, she was going to endure a lingering, painful death. I gave her a peaceful relatively pain free end. I don't see how that isn't more humane."

William doubted Julia would ever understand. "You took it upon yourself to take a life. Neither the patient nor family had a choice in the matter. Regardless of whether it was more humane or not, it wasn't your decision to make."

"I suppose you think it was God's decision. Why would any compassionate God want someone to suffer like that? I don't consider allowing such a painful death to be compassionate and my patient certainly didn't deserve it."

William shook his head, "She didn't deserve to die at someone else's hand either. Julia, we're never going to agree on this and this is why I have to leave. It's a wedge between us; I'm not sure I can let this one go."

Julia was puzzled by William's reply, she challenged him, "What do you mean, this one?"

William thought for a moment then decided to let it all out. He stood and faced her, "I put your abortion behind me. I put your marriage to Darcy behind me and was willing to marry you even if you divorced. I've put my faith aside many times." He paused a second then continued, "You were advocating contraception and then you advised Dr. Desmond to do an abortion. Every one of these goes against my faith but I was _willing_ to put them aside…to be _with you_. This time it's a step too far." Shaking his head he added, " I'm sorry." He finished packing his valise and left.

For the first time since the start of this nightmare Julia broke down and, holding her face in her hands, the tears flowed freely. 

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As always reviews welcomed and encouraged.


	3. Chapter 3

William hadn't given much thought to where he would go, he just knew he couldn't stay. He had heeded the Inspector's words and he wanted to support Julia. He did reach out to her last night and he would support her in whatever she wanted to do next but he couldn't find it within himself to stay with her. This was the last straw. He took a cab to the station house and entered through the back door in hopes no one would see him. He'd managed to get to his office unnoticed and secreted his valise in his dark room cubbyhole. He was now seated at his desk wondering what to do next when the Inspector came in.

"So did you get everything sorted out with Mrs. Murdoch last night?"

He would ask that wouldn't he. "Yes…and no." he shook his head. No point in lying, the Inspector knew him too well.

"So what's the problem? No matter what she's done Murdoch, she's your wife. It's your job to stand by her no matter what."

How was he to explain it? The Inspector didn't have religious dogma drummed into him colouring his every thought and action. Also as an officer of the law how could he ignore her blatant disregard of it. He wasn't sure he could just ignore everything he'd believed all his life just because his wife constantly challenged him.

"It's complicated." he finally admitted.

The Inspector sat down, placed his elbow on the chair arm and leaned his head on his fist, this looked like it was going to take a while. "You promised to be true to her in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, and to love and honour her all the days of your life. What's complicated about that?" gesturing the query with his free hand. When Murdoch didn't answer he continued, "Look, I know she's a strong willed, independent woman, it comes with the territory that she's a challenge. God knows, I can relate to that." He thought about his own wife and the way she'd challenged him recently. It was nothing like the way Dr. Ogden challenged Murdoch though.

William just sat looking at the desk so the Inspector changed tactics. "What is it that you object to most? That she violated the law or violated what you think of as God's law?"

That got a rise out of William, "What I _think_ of as God's law…? It _is_ God's law."

"Sayings aside, you know what I believe, we've talked about that before, so for me it _is_ what people think is God's law. What it really is is something the _church_ came up with to stop people killing each other," he raised his hand in defense, "and there's nothing wrong with that." he shook his head to emphasise the statement. "Now when someone is in great pain and they're going to die anyway why would a benevolent God want them to suffer? Why wouldn't he put them out of their misery himself? If there _was_ a God that is. As I don't believe there is then why couldn't a person with experience, _a doctor for instance_," he emphasised, "end the pain instead." He raised his hand again, "I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm just postulating. Now the penal law is something I _can_ relate to and that also says it's wrong to kill someone. But the law isn't always just, we both know that, and sometimes we have to let justice be our guide instead. Despite your convictions you've made that decision in the past, in a case of premeditated murder no less. Can you not do that for your own wife when she acted in mercy?" The Inspector got up and left William to meditate on the matter.

William sat contemplating the Inspector's question. He would admit it was certainly something to think about. Why would Ava Moon deserve more justice than his own wife, except HE put her in that position. Did he release her to assuage his own conscience? He remembered what he'd told her, "You'll never know what it's cost me." Now he was willingly giving up Julia.

-oOo-

Julia was surprised to find William sitting in his chair when she arrived home. "William?"

He stood and faced her. Sighing, his eyes involuntarily closed. He stood for several moments, eyes still closed, mind racing.

"William?" Julia repeated, she'd never seen him like this before.

He sighed again, slowly opening his eyes. Shaking his head he looked into her eyes as he spoke. "I love you Julia, more than life itself, but…sometimes…you challenge me too much."

"Wil…" Julia stepped towards him but he raised his hand to stop her. "For once, hear me out." he insisted. "When we were in church, when Fr. Clement agreed to marry us, you said you better understood my convictions and you wanted to marry all of me."

Julia shouldn't have been surprised he'd remember that—but she was. Averting her eyes, barely audibly she replied, "Yes."

"So why do you continually challenge my convictions and then act as if I'm the one in the wrong?"

Julia's eyes dropped to the floor, she had no answer.

William continued, "I didn't know where I was going this morning when I left. I went to the stationhouse thinking I would be spending the night at a hotel. I had every intention of not coming back. As usual the Inspector knew there was something wrong. He lectured me again. I can't condone what you've done; but I realize it was a hard decision and it was done in mercy. Sometimes we have to put justice…and mercy…before the law, and in this case that will include the law of God. BUT," he shook his head, "I can't keep doing this Julia. This has to be the last time you flaunt the law; and I still expect you to make an effort to accept my faith and not put me in this position again…." He paused for a moment then cracked a slight winsome smile, "Now we just have to figure out how to deal with Miss Hart." 

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As always reviews welcomed and encouraged.


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